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random acts of cyber journaling

Date: 2008-03-18 14:15
Subject: Near its end
Security: Public
I'm closing this lj out by the end of the week.

I've been posting for the last couple weeks over at my new lj cricketashong

It is a "friends only" account, so I need to add you if want access.
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Date: 2008-03-05 18:07
Subject: New LJ account
Security: Public
I'm closing out this one because I am ready for a fresh start. Don't know why. Anyway, here is my new lj account: cricketashong

It is friends only, so message me if you want to be added.
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Date: 2008-02-14 16:04
Subject: How Much I've Changed in 10 years
Security: Public
(Got this off of Tab's Facebook)

TEN YEARS AGO.......................................................
It was 1998
1.) How old were you?: 13 going on 14
2.) Where did you go to school?: Yeokum Middle School
3.) Where did you work? I didn't.
4.) Where did you live? at my house with my mom and my siblings, at dad's every other weekend
5.) Who did you hang out with?: Alycia, Rachel, some friends from school from time to time
6.) Did you wear glasses?: Yes
7.) Who was your best friend?: Alycia
8.) How many tattoos did you have? 0
9.) How many piercings did you have? two in each ear
10.) What car did you drive? I didn't drive yet
11.) Had you been to a real party yet? no
12.) Had your heart broken? no
13.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter: single

FIVE YEARS AGO.......................................................
It was 2003
1.) How old were you?: 18 going on 19
2.) Where did you go to school?: Washburn University, Topeka KS
3)Where did you work? didn't
4.) Where did you live?: Room #002 LCC with Jamie, Jo, and Jess
5.) Where did you hang out?: Music building and hardly anywhere else; I was mainly a hermit. I did wander to Target and places with the roomies once in awhile, and home on the weekends.
8.) Who was your regular-person crush?: Stephen, we had been dating five months at this time
9.) How many tattoos did you have?: 0
10.) How many piercings did you have?: two in each ear
11.) What car did you drive? 1993 blue Ford Ranger
12.) Had you had your heart broken? Yes back in high school
13.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter: Taken
1.) How old are you?: 23 going on 24
2.) Where do you work? nowhere, am a student
3.) Where do you live? Newton, IA
4.) Do you wear glasses?: Yes
5. Who do you hang out with? mainly my husband, sister in law, and lately some friends who just moved up
6.) Do you talk to your old friends?: most are on an acquaintance basis I guess. There are few that we make a point to keep in touch with.
7.) How many piercings do you have?: I am not sure. I haven't worn earrings since my wedding. ?
8.) How many tattoos?: 0
9.) What kind of car do you drive? share a 2004 Ford Focus with Stephen
10.) Has your heart been broken? yes way back when
11.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter: Happily married

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Date: 2008-02-14 15:11
Subject: Have a clean Valentine's Day!
Security: Public
Goal for the day is to get the house ready for this weekend's visitors. Shower's a scumbucket and spare room bedding needs to be washed. For Vday Stephen and I are exchanging homemade cards, so at some point this afternoon I need to make one. I have a feeling he forgot. Oh well. At least he'll remember to bring home some Culver's (another part of our private Vday celebration) I know, we're duds, but we love it.

Good news is my fever broke in the last eighteen hours. Bad news is I woke up smelling bad from sweating it out. Eww, I know. Should probably take a shower before the hubby comes home. And shave. That would probably be nice too.
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Date: 2008-01-23 21:38
Subject: Don't let the bed bugs bite.
Security: Public
I'm sick again... for the third time this winter. Ugh. No sore throat this time, just the drippy nose, full head, and occasional dizzy spell. My immune system must be way down this year, because I don't remember having so many colds in years past.

The last of my amazon.com books came in the mail yesterday. Last night, I started reading Alice and Wonderland by Lewis Carroll and The Crucible by Arthur Miller. Awaiting on my kitchen table are several more books, but some of them I'd rather read during the day- like Contact by Carl Sagan and Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton. Sci-fi/cosmic/partially creepy books really don't set the stage for bedtime too well; my imagination goes pretty crazy. 

Speaking of setting the stage for bedtime, Stephen and I saw Cloverfield last Saturday in Des Moines. Uhm, 85 minutes of jaw-dropping, arm-clenching, horrific intensity DID NOT help the whole drifting off to sleep thing. It was a good show, really good. Unfortunately it was so effective that I couldn't get myself to relax and forget the... ***SPOILER*** ... the monster popping out of the cloud of debris and grabbing at the helicoper containing the cameraman and his friends. UGH. I want to know what happens, though. They set the movie up perfectly for a sequal!

Let's see, what else is going on. Stephen is plugging along at Alltel as a store manager. He is hosting the Chamber of Commerce tomorrow night at the store. We are looking into moving to Oskaloosa so we can save on gas, maybe rent. It would be a wise financial choice, but I do like it here in Newton, and gosh, I'd hate to have to move again. We'll see what comes along as far as housing. 

My lit class is interesting. I'm thinking about pursuing a Literature degree instead of English when I am done with my AA.  Stephen smirked when I told him that tonight. It deflated my confidence because I am too aware of my fickleness in choosing a degree program anyway, so I really needed him to affirm that I can do it, and stick with it. As I looked back on past LJ entries, I was kind of embarrassed to see that I was so gung-ho about doing music. Gah. The only way to cure indeciveness is to make a decision. ;-)

Oh, I am really into Lost. Awesome, awesome series!! If you love sci-fi/fantasy/mystery, you'll LOVE this series. It is like reading an epic novel. Check out ABC.com... seasons 1-3 in HD are available to view for free! http://dynamic.abc.go.com/streaming/landing?lid=ABCCOMGlobalMenu&lpos=FEP

My periods have been back to normal now for the last eight months. I don't know if I am ovulating, however, so I think I am going to use the rest of my Christmas money to buy a basal thermometer. Some part of me doesn't really care to put the effort in to find out, because my PCOS issue is generally emotionally draining. If I am not ovulating, then what? If I am, cool, great... now I'll get even more antsy every time my period is due. Whoopee. *sarcasm* This month is one of those months where pregnancy is in the back of my mind because I've taken certain symptoms (dizziness, spotting on Day 20, increase in body fluid (mucus), and then yesterday breast soreness...) and deduced that it is possible I am pregnant. Of course it is possible. Reality is, I know myself well enough to acknowledge that a lot of these symptoms likely root from psychological sources--- stress and wishful thinking---------, and from my cold. All I can do is remind myself that going over and over things in my head is not doing anything but making me crazy. LOL As Meredith Grey said: "...not knowing is the worse feeling in the world" ... so true, so true.

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Date: 2007-11-28 08:14
Subject: Freakin' here we go again.
Security: Public
I just want to take some magical pill that will stop my imagination from going haywire. Here we go again... I am on day 35 of my cycle and haven't started... a day late according to my online cycle calculator, and three days late according to the cycle length of the last three months.

My imagination wants to take these facts and combine with the fact that for the last week I've been nauseous, exhausted, headachey, and on the verge of a cold.

I know I am not pregnant. I took a test Sunday. I just have to keep drilling that into my head. I am not pregnant. I am not pregnant. I am not pregnant.

There. I feel so much better.
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Date: 2007-09-14 22:32
Subject: (no subject)
Security: Public
Do you ever wonder if you really matter?

I know I do, and I know people love me for who I am... it would be completely false to say people don't care about me. I know they do, and I appreciate this fact.

But, still, sometimes I feel nothing short of invisible/insignificant/unknowable.

Today I was reading in my Philosophy textbook about a guy named George W.F. Hegel. He believed that what we know of ourselves is what other people think of us; we can't define ourselves apart from our relationships. It hit home because I see the verity in this proposition.

I know I space myself off from people and am more comfortable being a hermit, but it hurts me in the end... I don't know precisely who I am, because I don't give people a chance to know me and confirm who I am. Hegel said we live our lives yearning for confirmation from others that we are free and independent. Once we are given this confirmation, we can finally believe this about our identity.

This is the whole philosophy behind using encouragement and other types of positive reinforcement, and staying away from criticism, nagging, and other hurtful words. Once we hear from someone else who we are, or what we are to them, we believe it.

I thought that was pretty interesting.
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Date: 2007-09-07 09:27
Subject: not a bee winner...
Security: Public
My brother's girlfriend can't spell.

At first it was alarming.
(Ericka, really spelled Erika... they've been friends for YEARS!; leve AKA leave; deffentely AKA definitely)

Then it was sort of cute
(ie: "Dootle Time", "coockies")

Now it is back to alarming
( schedual AKA schedule, hurtting, partties, )

I worry for the girl. She's 16, and she spells like an 8 year old. I hope she doesn't run into college or job problems, for her sake.
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Date: 2007-08-28 17:07
Subject: Class, A New Craft, Budget Hoorays and Those Teenagers
Security: Public
I started my class yesterday, Intro to Philosophy. I really like it because I can relate to the subject, probably because I spend a great deal of time contemplating the greater questions of life. In a way it puts a face and terminology to the concepts I've already grasped on my own.

I started a t-shirt quilt last week, and have worked on it in small bits, often in the evenings. I am hoping this is a project I'll actually finish.

The quest for a debt-free life continues. I have to say we've improved as far as our spending habits are concerned. The last time we chose to eat out was... let's see... more than a week ago, and that was only because we were traveling from KC, 2 1/2 hours from home, and it was dinnertime. Not only have we not eaten out for what seems like forever to us, we spent a mere $30 on groceries, and these groceries are lasting us a whole week or more in yummy, substantial, healthy meals and snacks. That just boggles my mind.

$30= SIX fast food meals or ONE "sit-down" restaurant meal or TWENTY-ONE meals at home

why were we so stupid to eat out all the time?? because we were stupid!

We also don't spend money nearly as freely on stupid crap. No spur of the moment computer games or clothes or snacks or outings to the movies or subscriptions to whatever. Everything is budgeted now. I am really really proud of us... we are actually understanding the value of a dollar for the first time in our marriage. This is great!

My periods are officially regular, I am noticeably losing pounds ...and my baby fever persists... so... we'll see what happens. I am keeping my imagination at bay and trusting that God's timing is always right, always best, and it truly won't crush me to wait longer... but we are open.

My week in KC could've gone better. My sister is very... different... from the one I grew up with. As time goes on she struggles more to gain the independence and freedom that adulthood grants... but her immaturity is slowing this process down.

When I was her age I loathed from the depths of my soul when I heard grown-ups say "those teenagers", because I felt that I was being judged by a stereotype (I didn't don't drink, smoke, have sex, etc so why group me with those who do???)... but you, know... I understand now! "Those teenagers..." do set a negative rep for themselves, and the completely unfortunate part about it is there is nothing they can do about it to a great degree. It is inherent and biological. They physiologically (for the most part) aren't able to habitually and consistently make decisions based on rational, logical, sensible thought. They are too tied up in how they feel at any given moment... the emotions are too wild. I remember these emotions, they were an overbearing enemy. Because of this I have compassion on my sister's state... but simultaneously I can hardly bear to be around her.

We came to a crossroads that week where we found ourselves in polar places on life's scale. Hopefully our relational disparity will lessen as she matures... and soon.
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Date: 2007-07-28 01:01
Subject: Going back to school
Security: Public
The college application to DMACC is filled out and submitted.

My transcript requests are filled out and sealed in envelopes ready to mail.

School is coming together. Nostalgia snuck up on me as I was filling out the application; many times before I sat with pen in hand filling out school applications... I remembered the addresses to my old schools, and with each school was a bundle of memories.

Washburn's memory was the chicken strips, thickly breaded, and served with a pile of fries. The Union brightly lit with large two story windows. My dorm room with a breeze blowing through the window, and Jo and Jamie laughing in the next room. Also, standing in the dreaded registrar's office to pay tuition, with fear because I was so ignorant of tuition/scholarship matters.

Concordia's memory was the bright green lawns, the old smelling Streiter Hall. Sitting in Pastor Jurchen's History of the Old Testament, listening to the seasoned stories of his experiences. Chicken sandwiches. Walks with Stephen late at night, and sitting in the Art Building. The clamor and excitement of Wind Ensemble, the fountain in the Music Building.

UCM's memories was our tiny apartment, with "Sagwa" on morning television as Stephen and I showered and prepared for morning classes... or as we sat around in our pj's, skipping classes. I remember hilly Holden Street, the hot August sun as I furiously biked to pick up a book from my College Algebra professor. Planet Sub. Elementary Music.

It got me excited, and... nervous. I am so afraid of failing again. It must be different now though. In two years, I've grown up to be almost a completely different person, a better person (I would hope). I take commitments more seriously, and I've made a pattern of following through. I'm more focused, more goal-oriented... and this was the whole purpose of taking a break from school... I am really glad we did.

My course load will be extra light this first semester back, probably two classes, and internet (due to being stuck at home). Testing the waters, seeing how much I can handle.
Oh yeah. The book is a no-go. I found out a few weeks ago that the time-constraint on this project didn't allow for my submissions to be edited the way they needed to be. I didn't have time to redraft everything, so, sadly my participation came to an end. It was a hard adjustment, because I was deeply involved, and thought or worked on the book from the time I woke up in the morning until my head hit pillow at night. Suddenly, it was gone. The end. Now what??? I spent a few weeks moping/depressed around the house, and but now I am finally coming around...

Along with school, I am considering carrying on a side job/hobby of making slideshows for birthdays/graduations/special events, like the one I did for my brother's grad. I am in contact with Mark, and he's going to help me figure out pricing and advertising. This will be really good for me... I can earn money, not have to have a car, and do something that is creative and enjoyable. I can work at my own pace, on my own time. Hopefully it will pan out alright.

I'd like to actually be doing something besides laundry, cooking, and cleaning (not that it is bad). I've had a ton of leisure time, that has been nice, but I get bored, restless, and feeling quite useless and non-participatory in the world's progress (and that is not good). Soon things will turn around though.
Stephen leaves for management training Aug 12, and will be gone two weeks. The kitties and I are spending a few days in KC watching over my brother and sister.

My brother has a new girlfriend, and this girlfriend happens to be close friends with my sister. This situation should make the domestic dynamics very interesting at their house. My brother and sister loathe each other... and, truly, they are opposites:

My sister is a little pudgy and kind of a slob. She doesn't give much thought to her appearance of herself nor her room. She's very very very laid back, and could care less what people think of her. She's a horrible speller, and an okay student. She's spontaneous, vibrant, creative, and silly, and has a million things she wants to be and do when she grows up.

My brother is tall, skinny, and lanky. He's very neat, to the obsessive-compulsive degree. He religiously keeps himself neat and clean, and his areas in the house. He has no patience, and a short temper, and he cannot stand when thing go how they shouldn't. His personality is restrained and guarded, and he calculates life, and makes sure his ducks are in a row at every given moment, in every facet of life. He's a perfectionist, and made straight As all through school. He does have sense of humor and compassion, but it is hidden underneath a very convincing cold, shallow exterior.

They couldn't be more different. I predict this girl, Karen, will end up straining Shawn and Erika's relationship even more (making Karen choose between them), or... bringing them together. As different as they are, they apparently are more alike than they think, to end up sharing a contact so closely. I can't wait to see what happens.
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my journal
March 2008